Staff Columnist

The new age

Andy Krutsinger
Andy Krutsinger

Hello friends, how are you today?

I see you there, desperately turning to the sports page in the newspaper, wondering what you’ll see. Is it over yet? Are things back to normal? Will there be pictures of a college baseball game? Maybe shots from Monday’s track practice? Maybe a game of pig broke out at one of the local parks?

No. That’s not happening. Sorry to be a Debbie Downer (shout out to that lady who played “Debbie Downer” on SNL), but sports are still gone. No Cubs baseball being played at Wrigley Field. No Lebron choking in the big moment. No XFL football. Nothing.

But what we do have is each other. Well, kind of, since we can’t actually spend time together, but I digress.

We need something to get us through these trying times. Whether it be weeks, months or years without sports. We need something to rally around. Maybe a new song that captivates the eardrums of millions? An earth-shattering scientific discovery that changed our way of life for the better? No. Even better. A new weekly column in your local newspaper. Yes. There’s the flavor.

Welcome to “Tuesdays with Andy,” your new escape from this dark, cruel, sportsless world that we have all been forced into living in. I’ll be your host, Andy.

This column has one goal — to help us all get through this crisis without losing our minds. I vow to speak to you, our readers, every Tuesday from now on until the Coronavirus is defeated enough for high school sports to take the field again (or until I die or get fired).

Luckily for me, I’ve found a couple hobbies to take my mind off sports, and also to replace the need for something competitive to keep me entertained. I hope you all have too, but in case you haven’t, here’s what I’ve been up to.

The wife and I started potty-training our two-year old. What a rush that is. Think a March Madness buzzer beater is exciting? Try constantly eyeing a diaper-less toddler as they run through the house, never knowing when stuff is about to go down.

Addie went 6-for-6 on Day 1. Six times going in the potty, and six accidents. Every time she goes, she jumps up and down, clapping and yelling, “I did it! I did it!” When she doesn’t go, she still celebrates. “Me tried! Me tried!” It’s kind of like if a baseball player trots around the bases after a home run, except he still rounds the bases on a fly out.

I’ve also gotten super into marble races on YouTube. If you haven’t heard by now, search ‘Jelle’s Marble Runs,’ and watch the full seasons. It doesn’t sound that great until you actually watch it, but trust me, it’s electric.

Note: If you’re a sports fan, you probably want someone to cheer for in the marble races. You have to pick your marble right away so you have a vested interest. That will make it more enjoyable and more like real sports. It wouldn’t hurt to start watching with a buddy and maybe bet on some of the races. Just trying to help out.

The wife wanted to buy Disney+ so we could watch some old Disney shows and movies. I didn’t really watch Disney when I was a kid because I lived that bad boy life watching Nickelodeon, but there is one show that has peaked my interest: ‘Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers.’

We’re only a couple episodes in, but if you’ve never watched an episode, Chip and Dale are chipmunks who solve mysteries and fight crime along with their crack team: A fly, a mouse with a mustache who loves cheese and a girl mouse.

So it seems like Chip and Dale are completely useless themselves. The only reason they get out of the binds they put themselves in is that the fly and the girl mouse bail them out at every turn. They are the real stars of the show even though they don’t get the same notoriety. Makes for a fun dynamic.

Also, check this out. Chip and Dale both have a crush on the girl mouse. Now that’s a storyline. Two best buds battling over the effection of the same girl. Who is she going to end up with? Chip? Dale? Maybe she’ll just end up with the other mouse? Wonder what kind of controversy that would stir up. Is she prejudice against chipmunks? That could be a movie right there. Get Alvin and the gang to guest star. Or heck, maybe she is just going to stay single and doesn’t need a man in her life. Excited to find out.

Maybe Chip and Dale let their feelings boil up for so long, one of them eventually snaps. There’s another movie. Chip vs. Dale — CIVIL WAR. I’d watch it. I mean, as long as it comes out On Demand since the theaters are all closed.

You’ll all be happy to know that I am taking all the precautions necessary to avoid getting the virus. It’s hard though. Does anyone else notice how hard it is not to touch your face when someone tells you not to touch your face? I just want to touch my face! A man should be able to touch his own face. But I understand why I can’t.

Also, are anyone else’s hands getting weirdly rough from washing them so often? I’m not a lotion guy because using it makes me feel feminine but I might have to bite the bullet on that one.

Anyway, I guess the lesson here is, we’re all in this together. So let’s all find our new hobbies; our marble racing, our potty training, our Chip and our Dale. Let’s stay inside, let’s slow the spread and let’s hope we do enough to kill this thing before they cancel the NBA Finals too ... and baseball ... or football. Please, oh please, don’t take football.